November 2007.
I do not remember the exact day, but that is when it happened. I was at home on the computer. I was checking my e-mail. Microsoft had changed the format of hotmail so that instead of getting your e-mail by default, you get entertainment news by default. I never figured out how to change that, so I just left it.
When I signed in, I saw an article about an actor. I don’t remember what the article was about, but the name in the title got my attention. It read: Neve Campbell.
I am not sure if it is because Adam told me this or if I assumed this on my own. It is likely that I just assumed this on my own. Somehow I got it into my head that because Neve Campbell was an American actor, she must spell her name NEV. I would have thought nothing about it since I knew she was an American, but what I saw on my monitor that day was spelled NEVE.
I knew for a fact that the girl I went to grade school with spelled her name NEVE, because we used to exchange notes. That and I could picture it spelled out on that one pink heart Valentine’s Day card that I kept hidden in the bottom drawer of my parents room after my mom had pitched out all my other notes from her.
Seeing that on my monitor sent a chill up my spine.
When I clicked on the link, the first four words of the article read, “Canadian Actor Neve Campbell.”
At that point my heart was beating pretty fast. It was two months before my 35th birthday. I had not seen this girl since I was 10. Not wanting to panic, I thought maybe it’s still possible that it is a different girl. There are 32 million people in Canada after all.
I typed Neve Campbell Mississauga into the Google search engine. The first hit that came up read, “Canadian Actor Neve Campbell, whose father was a high school teacher in Lorne Park, Mississauga…” I always remembered Mr. Campbell was a school teacher, but I did not remember him being a high school teacher. Now I was all but certain it was her. A picture would confirm it.
Next I looked for a photo gallery. When I found one I was blown away. The fact that I had not seen that girl in 25 years made absolutely no difference. She has not changed a bit. I recognized her instantly. She looks every bit the same now as I remembered her back in grade school.
It was like waking up from a coma. Sure, I haven’t owned a television since I was 16. Sure, I haven’t seen anything in theater since Jerry Maguire in 1997. But how could I not figure that out after all these years?
It was nice to see her for sure and if I was smart I would have left it at that. But like a curious cat, I just had to dig. I turned to YouTube to see what clips there were of her and I was shocked by what I saw. Seeing her on different interviews really brought back memories. Good memories came back at first. Then all the bad ones followed close behind.
I’ve thought about that girl a lot in the last 5 months. Virtually all of what I can remember has come back now. Most of these memories are the same ones that have been popping up over and over during the course of my life.
It has been over 18 years now since I quit drinking. I’ve been told that my memory is astounding. While that is a nice compliment, I think my memory is more of a curse. There are many things I wish I could forget.
Somewhere along the line, I read something about her teenage years. It talked about her being bullied in high school. It painted a pretty bleak picture. Here I am at the age of 35, just now realizing that she did in fact have reasons to be depressed around the time of my 17th birthday. I am all but convinced now that my dream was no dream at all. The final nail has been hammered into my coffin.
I know at the time I had all the right excuses for not going to visit her in the hospital. She had a boyfriend. She cut me out of her life. I thought it was a dream.
Those are all just excuses though, and I know it. Christian dealt me the perfect opportunity to rewrite that sad ending and just like I did with Suzy Merk, I pissed it to the wind.
The truth is, you hurt me Neve and I wanted to hurt you back. It was spite. I screwed up and when I realized it the next day, there was no way to contact you and take it back.
I am so very sorry.
I do not remember the exact day, but that is when it happened. I was at home on the computer. I was checking my e-mail. Microsoft had changed the format of hotmail so that instead of getting your e-mail by default, you get entertainment news by default. I never figured out how to change that, so I just left it.
When I signed in, I saw an article about an actor. I don’t remember what the article was about, but the name in the title got my attention. It read: Neve Campbell.
I am not sure if it is because Adam told me this or if I assumed this on my own. It is likely that I just assumed this on my own. Somehow I got it into my head that because Neve Campbell was an American actor, she must spell her name NEV. I would have thought nothing about it since I knew she was an American, but what I saw on my monitor that day was spelled NEVE.
I knew for a fact that the girl I went to grade school with spelled her name NEVE, because we used to exchange notes. That and I could picture it spelled out on that one pink heart Valentine’s Day card that I kept hidden in the bottom drawer of my parents room after my mom had pitched out all my other notes from her.
Seeing that on my monitor sent a chill up my spine.
When I clicked on the link, the first four words of the article read, “Canadian Actor Neve Campbell.”
At that point my heart was beating pretty fast. It was two months before my 35th birthday. I had not seen this girl since I was 10. Not wanting to panic, I thought maybe it’s still possible that it is a different girl. There are 32 million people in Canada after all.
I typed Neve Campbell Mississauga into the Google search engine. The first hit that came up read, “Canadian Actor Neve Campbell, whose father was a high school teacher in Lorne Park, Mississauga…” I always remembered Mr. Campbell was a school teacher, but I did not remember him being a high school teacher. Now I was all but certain it was her. A picture would confirm it.
Next I looked for a photo gallery. When I found one I was blown away. The fact that I had not seen that girl in 25 years made absolutely no difference. She has not changed a bit. I recognized her instantly. She looks every bit the same now as I remembered her back in grade school.
It was like waking up from a coma. Sure, I haven’t owned a television since I was 16. Sure, I haven’t seen anything in theater since Jerry Maguire in 1997. But how could I not figure that out after all these years?
It was nice to see her for sure and if I was smart I would have left it at that. But like a curious cat, I just had to dig. I turned to YouTube to see what clips there were of her and I was shocked by what I saw. Seeing her on different interviews really brought back memories. Good memories came back at first. Then all the bad ones followed close behind.
I’ve thought about that girl a lot in the last 5 months. Virtually all of what I can remember has come back now. Most of these memories are the same ones that have been popping up over and over during the course of my life.
It has been over 18 years now since I quit drinking. I’ve been told that my memory is astounding. While that is a nice compliment, I think my memory is more of a curse. There are many things I wish I could forget.
Somewhere along the line, I read something about her teenage years. It talked about her being bullied in high school. It painted a pretty bleak picture. Here I am at the age of 35, just now realizing that she did in fact have reasons to be depressed around the time of my 17th birthday. I am all but convinced now that my dream was no dream at all. The final nail has been hammered into my coffin.
I know at the time I had all the right excuses for not going to visit her in the hospital. She had a boyfriend. She cut me out of her life. I thought it was a dream.
Those are all just excuses though, and I know it. Christian dealt me the perfect opportunity to rewrite that sad ending and just like I did with Suzy Merk, I pissed it to the wind.
The truth is, you hurt me Neve and I wanted to hurt you back. It was spite. I screwed up and when I realized it the next day, there was no way to contact you and take it back.
I am so very sorry.
